Trying to find my perfect creative outlet has been met with far more challenges then I had ever anticipated. I have tried so many times to find a way to express myself in a creative way. You name it, I’ve probably tried it. I’ve always found it difficult to express myself, I have so many things going on in my head at any given time that I need an outlet which can be adapted to the thousands of things circling my head.
I first tried art. But very soon found that I am not an artsy person. I would stare at the paper for days on end and nothing would come to mind. It was as if the only time I stopped thinking was when I had a blank piece of paper in front of me. I also found it hard because all my friends at the time were very artsy and I’d compare my drawings to theirs and be disappointed in my efforts. The more I looked at their drawings, the harder I found it to draw. I know that different people have different art styles but I was constantly confronted with what amazing creations they had all created, so I found it hard not to compare myself. Another issue with art is, my thoughts are constantly changing, and drawing can be very time consuming so the current inspiration for drawing could change at any given moment. So I would start again and again. It frustrated me I couldn’t keep my mind set on what I wanted to draw. Especially because inspiration was very hard for me to find and I felt that when inspiration did find me, there were too many angles to try and by the time I had decided which way to draw it, I had a new inspiration in my head. So I decided that art was not for me.
My next creative outlet was writing. I enjoyed this one the most, and it is why I am here. I love writing, whether it be poems, rants, stories – whatever, I enjoyed it because it feels like I can constantly adapt to any new inspiration. I never went blank while trying to write. I just had something in the front of my head that I always wanted to write about. The only reason I stopped is because I lost confidence in my ability to write. When I went to school we were taught to write in a specific format and I felt that sticking to a particular format made it feel less creative and more restrictive. It was hammered into me that we must choose a single writing style and stick to it and it killed me. When I tried to explain that I like different formats, I felt like I was laughed at. I was told no one would ever read something I wrote. This disheartened me and I gave up writing.
After loosing writing as my creative outlet, I did not start anything again for a long while. But finally I found myself delving into the world of YouTube. I loved the idea of being able to talk about anything and everything. However, I soon found that YouTube really was not for me. My first and main problem was editing. I had no idea how to edit. I watched hours of how to edit videos and still I felt clueless. My edits were awful and not something I would want to watch – and certainly not something I would want other people to watch! I also found that I hated my voice. While I am aware that this is a common issue, I couldn’t get past it. I sounded awful! It made me cringe to hear my voice, which made the editing process a lot harder! I also lacked serious self confidence, just as I got over the voice issue, I would find an issue in the way I looked or what I was wearing. The idea of people being able to physically see me and make judgements on my appearance scared me. So after several attempts at YouTube, I deleted everything and gave up.
That brings us to now. While I have tried other smaller hobbies and outlets, they don’t seem worth mentioning as I more than likely stopped soon after starting. The reason for this blog is because it fulfils 2 deep desires within me. 1) to be able to write freely, whether it be a poem, a diary extract or something else entirely! It’s completely up to me – I control this blog. And 2) to help other people. While these first two posts haven’t been informative, or in anyway helpful, I know in the future I will talk about things that I hope can inspire other people or help them to feel less alone. It took a while for me to get my confidence in writing back, but after being away from that hell hole, I have slowly regained my confidence in writing.
Thank you for taking the time to read this! It means a lot to me that anyone would take the time out of their day to read this blog! Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions regarding this blog post! Thank You 🙂
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